i just wanna know how you're doing how you're holding up and your well being, is that too much to ask for?

never really liked talking/celebrating christmas ever since dad passed on cause it always brings me back to the last christmas that we spent together, that we actually invited close friends over, that we actually had stuffed turkey (that's actually so bad), that we went all the way to get it.

everything i do, every event, every festive-ish season just reminds me of dad so much. and i'm very scared that one day i'll have a very blur memory of him.

and i just can't stop thinking how different things would be rn if he's still here

so i was talking to a friend the other day blablabla and she asked, "oh where's your dad?"
i wished i could just disappear into thin air at that very moment.

but i didn't. or more like i couldn't. lol.

so instead of avoiding that question, i just said oh he passed away. i almost thought i'm okay with saying it out, i thought i'm good with it, i thought i'm getting better at it. but nah. tears were just filling up and overflowing. i just couldn't contain it. damn.

and for someone to realize that i have not walk out from it, it's just....... especially when i dont wanna admit it, and doing the best that i can to avoid having conversation(s) or talk about my dad even to mum and sisters........... why am i like this

i guess we'll never truly understand what we have till we lose em.

life, part 9236592830

sometimes you think life's good. like hey, you got into uni, starting degree, with a course that you're getting your interest on, gradually, classmates that you thought you're gonna graduate with. uni doesn't get any easier, it gets tougher sem by sem, month by month, day by day. you can't seem to focus, you can't seem to study enough, you can't seem to be good enough for the tests/exams, and then bam, life hits you hard. hard in yo face. you gotta drop the sem. you can no longer skip classs with the same old people. you can no longer see the same old face in your classes anymore. you can no longer yawn with the same old people in your 8am classes anymore. there's just no more. you gotta take a break, and you know, fix things, and get things right. get things back on track.

and then you decided to tell yourself this, hey, look on the bright side. 

maybe it's time for you to, really chill for a bit, take a break, relax, and just go with your own pace.

because, to be honest, there really isn't much for you to do right now.

other than waiting.  

waiting for a chance to fix your grades, waiting to getting things back on track